To Blog or Not to Blog?

Whenever there is something very personal going on with me, I'm always torn whether or not I should blog about it. I mean, on one hand I'm thinking, they don't want to read about the serious stuff. They come here to read funny stories about my kids! On the other hand, I'm a pretty transparent person and I always try to seem to others exactly what I am, which makes me think, oh, just write about it! Plus, it's much easier than trying to update everyone individually. So here, I go.

Before I had kids, I always had crazy emotional PMS. For like two out the four weeks of a month, I would cry on the drop of a hat and feel very irrational feelings about whatever my life happened to be at that moment. I guess my body liked being pregnant, because other than a small bout of postpartum after Amelia, I have not really had any crazy hormones. Lately they have been resurfacing but in a different way. Instead of feeling irrationally sad, I feel irrationally anxious and overwhelmed. I can honestly tell you that before this, I have never truly known what it was like to feel anxious. The annoying thing is that I'm not feeling anxious about anything that matters at all. Let me just tell you some of the things that have caused me great anxiety lately and we can all laugh about how trivial they are. Just to name a few: picking out a new bed set in time to pick out the paint color for my bedroom before the painters came, the entire week that dog-dog was lost I was constantly trying to think of where he could be, cleaning out my van before I went to Disney world seemed like trying to climb Mt. Everest, not to mention things like never ending laundry, getting my kids lunch packed for school, etc., etc. Ridiculous, right? Especially since there is NOTHING wrong with my life. I have NOTHING to be anxious about. It is completely irrational. Well recently the anxiety has gotten so bad that I can feel it in my chest, neck and back. Finally, Jason told me I didn't have the option, that he would make the doctor's appointment if he had to.

Ends up, he did have to make the appointment. Who would have thought it would be so hard to get a freakin' doctors appointment for anxiety. What inhumane person can tell a sobbing lady complaining about anxiety that the soonest she can get an appointment is almost two weeks away? I just hung up the phone. No bother telling her in a week I'll be fine and will have talked myself into thinking there really isn't a problem until two weeks later when it will all start over again. So I called my OB/GYN and they wouldn't see me at all. They said if it wasn't postpartum that I should go see my family doctor. Again, who tells a desperate woman they won't see her? Anyway, as usual, my husband gets things done. He called the doctor back and told them I needed an appointment right away. It worked.

I was hoping for: This is completely normal and I'm sure a pack of birth control pills will level out your hormones completely and have you back to your old self in a month!

What I got: Yes, you are crazy and you need to take these crazy pills for a few months until you can get it together.

Bummer! I'm not a big fan of taking those anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications. I mean, you shouldn't just take a pill as the easy way of coping with your life. What did people in the old days do anyway when they couldn't just pop a little pill? I'm sure they developed coping strategies. Taking medicine also makes me question, am I not trusting God enough? If I was more diligent in my prayers, I know he could deliver me from this! He alone could get me through this.

I don't know. All I know is my family is suffering and if I have to have a little help with this anxiety for a while, that's just how it's going to be.

So I'm just cursing Eve for eating that apple! I know the bible specifically says her punishment was pain in childbirth. But I'm in a mood so I'm just blaming her for all things female. I hate hormones!